This is a very personal blog for me and a bit emotional so I'm sorry if it's a downer but I came across this article and I found my self inspired to share.
"Experiencing the decline of aging parents is hard. When an elderly mother or father becomes sick, roles are reversed, and children become caregivers. "Even though it is painful to give up your parents' support, there is a satisfaction in being able to give back the care that your parents gave to you," points out Helene Clark, assistant professor of nursing, The Catholic University of America."
The transition can be difficult, though. Many adults struggle to find the right care for elderly parents while balancing careers and families. "When our parents can no longer take care of themselves, we ultimately sacrifice some of our lifestyle," explains Marie Raber, an assistant professor of social work.
The entire family should discuss the care of elderly parents. most cases, one person, traditionally the eldest daughter, is chosen as the primary caretaker. Clark advises leaving behind family tensions when making such decisions. "Families tend to fall into familiar, harmful roles during times of stress. But doing so only makes it harder to reach a solution." Caregivers should not forget parents' considerations. "Even if they are incapable of making decisions on their own, they are still adults and should be treated with respect and dignity."
Once a primary caretaker is decided upon, other family members must continue to offer support. They should step in when the primary caretaker needs a break and continue to be part of the decision-making process because parents' needs will change. If caregivers have no family members to lean on for a respite, Clark suggests looking into area nursing homes that may offer temporary care.
Raber stresses the importance of families sharing duties. "When the care of an elderly parent rests solely on one person, it's overwhelming. That is when people break down." If you don't have other family members who can help, look for a support group that can offer emotional support as well as advice on care.
Finding the right services for elderly parents can be difficult. "There is not one number to call for help, not one person to call for advice on nursing, health, and elder care centers. You really have to become your own social worker and do research," Raber indicates. She suggests looking at employee benefits. Some large companies offer elder care programs or have resource and referral services for employees. She also advises contacting a local chapter of National Area Agencies Association, a network for area social services."
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1272/is_n2607_v124/ai_17862974/
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My mother lived with Parkinson's disease for 15yrs and it wasn't until her last ten months that we realized it was time to have this discussion. Up until that point despite the gradual progression of her disease the strong women I always new as my momma maintained amazing independence under the circumstances. However in August 1998 all of that changed when she suffered an episode of dementia after being placed on a new RX regiment. She and my father were on their last RV trip of many they stopped for gas and while my father was refueling she left the RV went into the mini mart and told the attendants there that my father was kidnapping her. Authorities descended upon the mini mart my mother was escorted to a women's shelter after medical exam and my father was questioned and released. Under the circumstances he could not bring her home so my brother had to fly up and escort her home. This event was a wake up call to the realities we were about to deal with. However being from a large family did not make decision making the smoothest affair especially when you have older siblings who have personal chips on their shoulders trying to work together for the common good.
Long story short I quit my job and moved back home for six months to be the full time care taker. My older brothers and sisters would take turns spending the weekends there as well. In all our effort to care for our parent though we made the mistake of forgetting our other parent. As my mother suffered from bouts of mild dementia nothing like the first time because they switched her meds my father was emotionally exhausted dealing with her decline. He grew increasingly agitated because she wasn't her normal self, he was in a state of denial. I could see the pain in his eyes and the refusal to believe he was watching her leave him. The first time I experienced one of her episodes I was in the kitchen washing dishes and she stepped up next to me and looked out the window. She said look at all the kids playing in the pool aren't they having fun, she laughed. There were no kids and my parents didn't have a pool. It took every bit of strength I had to keep it together in that moment so I knew what my father was going through. Through it all we did the best we could. There were arguments/disagreements but in our own dysfunctional way we managed to take care of her alright. I've heard some people say it ages you a few years to live through that experience and I'm inclined to agree.
My only advise to anyone who is faced with such a task is do what ever you can to protect their dignity and honor their life and if you come from a large family plan ahead with your parent. Trust me it will eliminate a load of grief and headaches.
1ever since my father died back in 76 our whole family has been open about taking care of eachother, making sure there is a definite plan set up for each of us, that we have in writing what we want to happen if death does occur. It has taken the burden off of us who are left behind.
Hypno, you are an angel and I would give you a big hug if I could.
2Hypno, believe me, I know what it's like to give up a job to take care of your family. After college I gave up a really good paying job to move back in with my parents, accept a $20k a yr job, and help take care of my terminally ill grandfather. I've never regretted it. I got to be with him in the end and was able to ease the burden on my parents and grandmother (especially since my father's aunt didn't lift a hand to help... but that's another story). (In hind sight though, the job I was going to take was with a mortgage company that didn't survive the banking crisis... so maybe someone was looking out for me.)
I am really proud of you for taking care of your family. So many people would just chuck their parents or grandparents in a nursing home and leave them. It speaks volumes about who you are and your character.
3Hugs everyone
Bless you all. I know this can be hard on our parents too. My dad tries to hide all
his ailments from my mom and me and though he's not terminally ill now, I worry that if that day ever comes he'll want to tough it out on his own rather than burden his family.
4I don't have kids nor can I have kids unless I adopt and I've thought about my future as well. I'm very close to my nieces and nephews half of which are nurses of some sort so I think I'll be okay, lol.
If I go into a home it better have cute male nurses.
5Hypno---you are an angel.
6My parents are getting "up there" but are both fairly healthy even with a few health issues. Recently I had a similar conversation with them and I used a movie to bring it up. I had just watched Clint Eastwood's last movie and my husband had reacted to it in this way, "His son is such a &Y%hole." to which I replied, "How do you have that conversation? It is NEVER going to be a GOOD conversation."
My mother voiced an opinion almost identical to my husband's and when I gave her the same retort she thought about it some more. She said, "There is no way to have that conversation without it being tragic for someone. There is no way to soften its blow."
We talked about it and they came up with some ideas.
7Your a good man hypno, but I knew that already.
8Oh are you talking about Grand Toreno Cheeky, I loved that movie.
Thanks every one for the support. I know it's not a pleasant thing to think about but it is a necessary thing to face in life and the better prepared we are the easier it will be.
9I think it is irresponsible of a parent of adult children NOT to sit down with their kids and lay out what they expect with regards to your end time, and how you want to be disposed of. Write it out, and give a copy to each of your (adult) children, and ask them if their are any questions.
10I am lucky my parents did that. Perhaps we should ask Clint Eastwood to suggest that in a little sound bite after the movie......wishful thinking to extreme probably.
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