Another thread was discussing one rather questionable website which facilitated and promoted actual cheating on a spouse.   I found myself really angry because I felt what this man was doing was tarnishing the marriage vows.  I was angry because he was married and had children BUT chose to do this for notoriety.
 
This morning while having coffee with a few of my BFF's we discussed this and my anger was perhaps valid BUT we did find that what was the largest dilemma was the vast differences in interpreting what actually cheating on a spouse is.
 
There was a stance that online flirting was cheating but another felt it was harmless.    There was a feeling that as long as nothing becomes "physically" exchanged then it isn't cheating...but another disagreed.    One friend felt that anything her man did, whether it was flirting in a chat room, looking at porn online, or sending an email to another female with content not work-related was actually cheating.
 
This conversation then went to sex.  My patients where I volunteer at a free clinic have some interesting ideas about that and I shared them.   One view was that as long as neither party actually touches the other (I am guessing mutual masturbating) then it isn't cheating and nor is it having sex...........Yikes.       I had a high school student tell me a few weeks ago that sex involves only penetration however oral activities do not count as having actual sex and when I pointed out that penetration of the mouth does occur then....she seemed stumped for a few moments and then said...."nope I don't see that as sex."
 
 
The of course the conversation turned to what exactly are the boundaries we set in relationships.   One BFF said that her man could watch porn all day on his computer as long as he didn't contact anyone there and "saved" himself for just her.    Another felt that flirting with others was innocent fun and as long as it stayed in the "flirting only" category.   
 
So then we found that our interpretations of "flirting" was very different.   One felt absolutely no flirting should happen with anyone that was not your partner.  Another felt flirting was fine as long as it was not people they worked with.   Still....is flirting with a perfect stranger permissible?   How far is being attracted but pleasant with someone that is a stranger go before it is flirting?  
 
Ultimately I told them I felt that the whole issue behind all of this is out perception of how strong our relationships are.   I don't feel threatened when my man checks out another woman and I have been known to say..."Dang she/he is H O T" and my man does the same.   Is that flirting, cheating, or is it just appreciating the landscape?  I have always had the mind-set that if some other woman took my man then he wasn't really mine anyway...so good riddance.   Flirting has got me out of speeding tickets and discounts on tires.   My husbands flirting has gotten us free tickets to some great concerts.  Is flirting bad if it is done merely in order to "get" something?  Probably only if you aren't so great at flirting.
 
I spend a tremendous amount of time on the internet as so does my IT Guru husband.  We don't go check out what the other is viewing but after coffee this morning I came home and we did out of curiosity.  What we found didn't alarm either of us.  That is not to say we confine our interests to those which wouldn't raise an eyebrow for other people.   
 
 
I think I'd be more worried if I discovered he was looking at anarchist gun groups instead of some pretty lame erotic stories.   He was astounded I spent so much time here on sugar....so he checked out sugar and shook his head.  "Why on earth would there be so many people in a fashion site talking about politics?"   "We are more than just pretty faces" was my reply.   We may be slightly interested in "what not to wear" but we tend to get all hot and bothered over anything with the words "racist" "czar" "extremist" or "Obama" in it.  
 
While we checked out sugar together he made the following statement..."If women want to be taken seriously why do they create websites like sugar?"  and before you all react and start typing comments about what a narrow-minded statement that was I should perhaps let you know he was not looking at our little piece of sugarland when he said that.  It simply demonstrates that people have diverse interests.
 
 
Which brings me back to that previous thread about a website dedicated to cheating on a spouse.  Together he and I agreed that anyone that would have to resort to a website to find someone to cheat on a spouse with probably is a little "challenged" with real people skills or the ethical boundary would have found them another way to do the same thing without the internet. 
 
 We think it is full of people who are curious but would probably never actually go meet someone to actually "do the deed"....and those that do....are the same losers they would have been had they not found that website.    They are probably the "singles" pretending to be "married"......like "marrieds" seem to do in "singles" sites.
 
The internet can be a thing of great power.  It can build and it can destroy.   Human nature....the unethical parts of people... will do what comes natural to them.  I guess I shouldn't find it so surprising that this man made a website to help people cheat on spouses.
 
My initial reaction of anger.... I finally realized was about using a tool like the internet...to cheat.... makes us realize how many predators are out there.   It was a "they are not doing THAT in my back yard" reaction which was just plain silly.
 
My husband's exe had cheated on him and it started over the internet...and then bloomed into a full-blown affair....and it didn't matter that they were a million miles apart.  She would have done this even if there wasn't a way to do it over the internet because that is where her ethic boundary is.
 
Yes...I have good friends who have cheated on their mates.   It never ends well and I feel bad for the pain which is caused for everyone involved.    Does that make them bad people?  No it simply makes them human.    Those friends who have cheated always have that sore spot that never goes away.    
 What makes this man different from them?    The fact he does this openly in front of his children and that he encourages others to do the same....he has no ethical bone in his body....he has no real conscience or accountability.        
 
Because there is such a vast and different interpretation of "cheating" or actual "sex" it underlines the need for conversations between couples....they must occur about this so they are one the same page so-to-speak.   I would never have guessed some of the reactions of my BFF's at coffee over this topic and now I wonder if their spouses would be as surprised too.  Innocent flirting by one may seem to be actual cheating to another....and that is huge.
 
What are your thoughts on this?